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Trainwrecks R Us

Aug. 24th, 2006 | 01:31 pm
mood: amusedamused
posted by: rainsinger in lumatorium

In the wake of the discontinuation of my two favourite soaps Sunset Beach and Sandalfon I'm always looking for some new marvellous trainwreck to plug the aching howling void gap.

So it is with joy I bring you Astro-Drama (aka The Sagittarian Man Blues sung by their unhappy partners). [I probably should have just pointed them in the direction of reviewaguy.com]

A lively thread, best enjoyed with popcorn.
Extra points if you can spot my contributions.
Some gold stars if you add your own.

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There is no spoon err... Suri Cruise

Aug. 9th, 2006 | 12:54 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

(excerpt from Dlisted, copyright belongs to the inimitable but very copy&pasteable Michael K)

"A spokeswhore for Tom Cruise said that pictures of Suri Cruise will be released to the media very shortly. It's been nearly 4 months and there's still no sighting of the Cruise offspring. Several have claimed they have seen her and tell us she's "the most beautiful baby in the universe" and shit. But we still haven't seen her for ourselves. There have been rumors that Tom hasn't taken her out, because he's afraid of kidnapping threats.

His spokeswhore dispels all those rumors. He said: "He hasn't been reluctant," spokesman Arnold Robinson tells the Scoop. "They will be making a decision to release the photographs [of Suri] shortly." Will the pics be released to a single or few media outlets, or will it be a general release? "That's part of the decision they'll be making shortly,"

There's not going to be any pictures! Just instructions. Here are the instructions on how to see Suri Cruise:

1) Go into your bathroom with a drunk friend
2) Turn off all the lights, but leave the door slightly open
3) Laugh hysterically
4) Seat your friend on the toilet or bath tub
5) Turn off the faucet
6) Splash water on the mirror while you both chant "Suri Cruise, Suri Cruise, Suri Cruise"

This is when she will finally show herself to you."

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Aug. 7th, 2006 | 05:29 pm
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

This is the sole entry currently sitting on Sandalfon's (Juanita) journal for August. This required some research into who Omicronayin was, turns out - it's none other than VITKI.

"Omicronayin wrote:

I bought the movie, American Beauty, the other day because Juanita (the woman I live with) hadn't seen it before, and I really wanted her to see it. We just watched it, now she's watching it again because she liked it so much. Although it's sometimes difficult for her and creates tension between us, she's more or less learned to accept the fact that I'm "slightly gay" and that the love between us is what's really important. I can't imagine living with anyone else."

OMFG! Sandalfon's shacked up with Vitki!!

Was Vitki's girth not "oh boy" ENOUGH for Mediyogi?
Did Sandalfon finally lose the weight that was Vitki's requirement for a relationship?
And in what sense is Vitki only "slightly gay"?
As in he's too fugly to be 'fully' gay?

But perhaps most importantly...

Did Vitki/special-ed-Fred ever get round to cleaning his much-neglected fish tank?

The ordinarily prolific Sandalfon only has this single entry sitting on her blog. Does this mean she's happy and finally settling down to a life of only semi-weirdness - or have they simply changed her medication? Or has Vitki been spending all her money so that her internet connection has been cut off?

Recent additions to Vitki/Omicronayin's journal include comments that I think we can all agree with: "Just say NO! to groupies" (roflmaopimp....Vitki wouldn't say no to Fried Chicken if it had an appropriately-sized hole) and "I no longer date psychotic lesbians". I would call him misogynistic but he'd have to look it up in a dictionary. And he can't afford one of those.

I'm going to meet these people one day. I just know it. Our fates are crossed.

If you're wondering who Vitki/Omicronayin is (as well you might), the good people at encyclopediadramatica have found the time to put together a damn fine summary.
Find it here:

and this is Sandalfon:

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you are HERE -->

Jul. 11th, 2006 | 07:45 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

The World, as seen by Dubai


Man, I hope aliens NEVER find our planet. This would be so embarrassing. This is like when a teenage girl draws a picture of a heart or a star on her arm. They'd think we were such a bunch of losers. That's all I have to say, my species has pissed me off enough today.

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That'll be a big cleaning bill

Jun. 30th, 2006 | 08:31 pm
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Some bright spark on Youtube has paired a recording of Paris Hiltons new song "turn it up" with a peformance made by (the late) Britney Spears.


The whole thing fits together terrifyingly well. If it's true as many say, that Britney, THE Britney, is never coming back - it suddenly dawns on me just how similar this Paris Hilton track is to a Britney track (in a passionless, clichéd kind of way of course). Is she being groomed as Britney's replacement? Has the world not suffered enough already? If she is then someone please tell me, because I don't want to live in that world. A world where I have to take contracts out on people I've never even met. It's just not healthy for me.

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It's all about snakes. On a plane

Jun. 28th, 2006 | 01:10 pm
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Dear manager/ess of the Open Air Cinema,

It was with great eagerness that I scoured your scheduled movies programming for July. Try to imagine for a moment my disappointment when I found that you have scheduled not a single showing for this coming Summer's blockbuster-to-be movie "Snakes on a Plane".
This is an outrage.

The movie "Snakes on a Plane" (directed by David Richard Ellis, famed assistant director of the 1993 Madonna epic "Body of Evidence) is about snakes, on a plane. Snakes? On a plane? Awesome! It stars the incredibly versatile Mr Samuel L. Jackson, whom I found simply amazing in "The Green Mile" and of course the cult classic "Reservoir Dogs". I actually had the pleasure of catching Jackson on a rerun of "The Actor's Studio" the other night; people tend to forget just how much hard work and dedication these actors put into their craft and I was looking forward to experiencing more of Jackson extensive talent this summer. But alas - no! You had other ideas!

Therefore it is with great regret that I shall be staging a week-long boycott of your cinema, starting July 21st and ending on July 28th (I know that you are closed on July 28th and so my boycott for that evening will be merely a symbolic one).
I am sorry that it had to come to this, but I know that there are others who will stand by me.

Nance Cooper

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Review him, he deserves it

Jun. 19th, 2006 | 06:47 pm
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Met a guy?
Did he piss you off?
Wanna give an opinion?

Talk about your bad boyfriend on review a guy

Don't get mad - be heard. It's also anonymous.

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Illiterate seeks same

Feb. 4th, 2006 | 06:28 pm
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Some personals ads from the Onion that just have to be immortalised....

Firstly, "Jawad" from Pakistan, who hasn't quite understood the concept behind posting a photo of yourself next to your entry. He's just put a bunch of photos of celebrities that he kinda likes, such as Angelina Jolie and Aaron Carter. His pitch reads as follows:

" Why You Should Get to Know Me

i am jawad.i read in collage. i am playing cricket.i like mango.i like poetry. i like driveing fastley. i like most makes friends.and some some......?"

'collage'? Nothing like those ransom notes to practise your reading skills with.

" More About What I Am Looking For

ooo dears i like jast makes friend and some kind of whoes u know very will.... humm i like girl between 19to20 years old and i kiss his lipes very niceely...haha ...jawad"

"his" lips? I think you're on the wrong site, mate.

And then there's Arfan, with his pocket English/Punjabi dictionary. He comes across as direct, to say the least. And for Heaven's sake, turn the caps lock key OFF! Just turn it off! You can do it!

# The last great book I read

# My most humbling moment

# Favorite on-screen sex scene
ORAL (That wasn't the question Arfan!)

# The celebrity I resemble the most

# The best or worst lie I've ever told
I AM ENJOYING (Now I WOULD like more information please..)

# If I could be anywhere right now

# Five items I can't live without
DRESSES (Dresses?)
APPRECIATION (What? For your mastery of the English language?)

Fill in the blank: _____ is sexy; _____ is sexier.

THIGH is sexy; BOOBS is sexier!" (No Arfan! subtlety is sexier)

And then there's Raja, who informs us (evidently the whole of Pakistan is stuck in Caps lock hell) that:


I'm confused.
He continues.

"Why You Should Get to Know Me
HII...THIS IS RAJA IBRAHIM....a free going soul...loves to take life easy.....DEATH IS LIMIT"

Hmm, "DEATH IS LIMIT". Always what you want to hear from a muslim.

"Amazing_Shan" (who boasts a truly "amazing" picture)informs us that:

"Favorite on-screen sex scene: Froggy Style"

Right. I don't think that Pakistan has quite understood this question.

And then there's sensitive "Nagumaan" who's looking for a girl with a big heart and an even bigger truck to smuggle him out of his country.

" Why You Should Get to Know Me
my name is mazhar mohsin and i am from turbat mekran balochistan pakistan and i want to leave my country because i dont like my country.

More About What I Am Looking For
A girl who is helpful for me.She will make friendship with me.I hate my native country and she get me out of my country."

Anyway... Check out the Onion.com personals if you like a cheap laugh like I do.

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The Madonna conspiracy

Dec. 12th, 2005 | 02:56 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

I am far from being ageist - being 25 years old myself I consider myself to be amongst the race of elders on the internet. But how much lycra+flesh IS actually inappropriate for a 47 year old woman? Combined with the Eric Prydz ("Call on me" video) style close-ups? I am, of course, delighted that Madonna feels comfortable with her body but as she bends over, legs apart, in the opening scene of her video, I almost expect to hear the snap of latex gloves and see a gynaecologist appear from off-camera.

Not pleasant when you're trying to enjoy your dinner, I can assure you.

When I add to this image the remembrance that Madonna is a mere 7 years younger than my own pearl-and-twinset mother I begin to look for clues that the video may actually be a huge wind-up. Could the use of irony be the newest step in Madonna's British-isation? Has she reinvented herself as a comedy-sketch artist? Is Irony the new black?

The dancers were a little too 'hip', the song a bit too mindless, Madonna's dancing too exaggerated. Was it a wind-up?

In fact I suddenly feel as if I'm standing at the edge of a huge waterfall. I can't see it, I can only hear the thunderous crash of the water below. Was it all a wind-up? Was Madonna's entire career a wind-up that people took seriously?

If I'm right this would make Madonna a greater comedy con artist than Andy Kaufmann. But think about it for a moment. Has Madonna ever produced a video clip that was not a gross over-generalisation of the trends of the epoch? Is not everything in her clips a stereotypical portrait of some social/racial/fashion movement of the time?

As I consult my mental archive of her work, this theory accumulates weight. Off the top of my head:

"Express yourself"=pointy bra and use of hot Lesbian-favourite Tamara De Lempicka to promote women's rights
"Vogue"=über gay depiction of (gay) clubbing underworld with pretty men toying with each other and a masculinised Madonna in man's suit and short hair
"Erotica"=dark and dingy depiction of fetishism
"Secret"=dirty view of Harlem with a pierced Madonna getting it on with a black guy and lots of mixed-race street kids running about as if school's out
"Frozen"=Madonna plays Wiccan High Priestess complete with mystically hennaed hands, symbolic black dogs, before floating up into the air and magically disappearing beneath a black veil
"The power of goodbye"=Madonna toying with intense, brooding Eastern European fellow, playing chess - cos like, all the Eastern Europeans do is play chess well and give intense, brooding looks at women they fancy

Stereotypes, all of them.

No wonder she invites Ali G to star in the 'Music' clip. He does what she's been doing for 20 years. In fact, if her entire career is indeed a wind-up than has Ali G himself been "Punk'd" by appearing in it?

But regarding the latest video clip, I'm not asking Madonna to don the pearls-and-twinset number that my mother favours. Although she did a pretty good job of it when promoting her recent children's books. The fact remains that even Jane Fonda had the dignity to hang up her spandex leotard when the time came.

And the spandex leotard is, in my opinion, what Madonna should've "Hung up" long ago. If Madonna is the comedic genius that my conspiracy theory suggests, then maybe the irony resides there, in the very title of her new song.

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Hung up on ABBA

Oct. 31st, 2005 | 01:37 am
mood: optimisticoptimistic
music: Hung Up - Madonna
posted by: scottiedog in lumatorium

OK, this is Madonna, so it's WIDESPREAD already.

Even though Channel4 had their video exclusive this friday gone, everyone has heard, or heard about, 'Hung UP'; the newest track in where she has sampled ABBA's 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' to produce a dancy, electro hit. The only reason this subject is in here is because the idea of it. Madonna mixed with ABBA.
Could you imagine this happening with 80s or 90s Madonna? I couldn't.

However, I do like this track. It's quite reminiscent of the 'Ray of Light' album with the simplicity of some of her 80s tracks. I found out as I entered my local gay establishment that I'm not alone. Any wonder, you might add. It makes sense: the largest gay icon ever fused with the gayest cheesy Swedish band ever. They have both been ultra successful and broken boundaries within their cultures. I think it was just me, that when I heard ABBA was going to be sampled for Madge and I heard it was the skippy, flutey intro of Gimme Gimme Gimme, I had recollections of really bad, cheap retro nights in a London club. If anything, 'Hung Up', has lessened my detesting of those times.

Speaking of Madonna, the real headline entry of Bad Art should be mentioned. Her hair. OK, OK, I get it - the 70s, disco, frilly fashion, over-brushed hair. But come on! Farrah Fawcett or Agnetha of ABBA wouldn't go back there, 'cause they've learned form their mistakes. I think some people can pull it off, but please don't let Madonna be one of them. It's kinda all flat on top and 'flicked' or 'feathered' out to the sides. It's just not right. It doesn't go right for her, even if she's trying to pull it off as elegant. No long waves whatsoever is advisable for her; go back to a nymphy black crop or something. She just looks like she's in her late 40s and has a couple of kids. Oh.

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