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The Bad Art Files. Episode 30: FANFIC

Aug. 24th, 2005 | 02:19 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Seems like such an innocent word. It stands for "Fan Fiction", stories written by people about their favourite TV programs, films or celebrities. That sounds nice doesn't it? Art inspiring art. Well I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but it's actually a cover for porn.
"Porn on the internet? Surely not..."

In fanfic (Porn4women as it should rightly be renamed), the author writes a story involving their favourite celebrity-and-object-of-their-affections wandering into a variety of compromising situations involving some young lovely who typically seduces them in deja-vu situations.
There is an appalling lack of original thought amongst these fantasies, which only glorifies its bad art status.

Rediscover cult classic scenarios such as the rehashed plot to 'Pretty Woman'. With the alternative negative ending that we all wanted to see at the end of the real film - where the prostitute gets dumped in favour of a proper girlfriend, who like, doesn't have sex with people for money.

A fair enough request from any boyfriend in this day and age.

Relive the classic film noir stereotypes of favourite celebrity-and-object-of-the-authors-affections walking into an office late at night and finding this ravishing young vamp (the author) with whom the favourite celebrity-and-object-of-the-authors-affections falls desperately in love with.

The reader's immediate reaction to this is "in your dreams". Which is exactly where these fantasies should really stay.
But because of, or thanks to, the internet, the cringe-worthy ramblings of 15 year-old Tom Welling enthusiasts are made public. This situation, considering the potential embarrassment for the parties concerned once word gets out in their home towns, is pretty funny.
But at 15 years old, they could be forgiven for their silliness, it's normal, they're at a stupid age.

Where it gets downright hilarious and a tad disturbing is when the authors in question are older. They might even have jobs and stuff, maybe even children of their own..*horror*.
And yet they come home every night, sit down and write twenty pages on things they'd like to do to Dr Dan Jackson from Stargate. The reader then gets to enjoy the rare feeling of being simultaneously amused and scared. And when you think about it, very few stories can claim to produce both emotions, and certainly not at the same time. This humble bad art suddenly becomes groundbreaking.

And what does it take to become a fanfic writer? Very little.
A smattering of bunny-boiling tendencies, a basic grasp of HTML (optional), some writing ability (optional) and a high embarrassment threshold, maybe a poster of their idol on the wall to gaze at if their conscious mind tries to drag back into reality.

These people could be your neighbours, your colleagues, even your daughters... I say daughters because fanfic is for the most part written by females.
You see when men fantasise about some famous actress or singer they go for visuals.
Pictures, everytime.

It's men who take the naked body of some XXX good-time-girl and awkwardly stick a picture of Jessica Simpson's head on it. A simple 5 minute job = guaranteed laugh from colleagues and being 'the man' for the day at work. The benefits are social as much as sexual and the job is very much a quick-fix.

Fanfic, however, is a much more time-consuming activity. You've got to enjoy the process. Contemplate sitting down and writing 20 pages of smut about your favourite actor. TWENTY PAGES. That's a lot of smut. It adds an entertainingly sinister twist not present in mere photo collages.

My one note of respect towards Fanfic writers is that, on the whole, their spelling is pretty good. Which, considering it's on the internet, just makes them seem all the more eccentric really.

And the result?

Well it's something of a starter kit for the bad art lover. It's got a bit of everything, self-parody, cliché, gratuitous sex scenes, shallow characterisation (blatantly done in order to bolster the author's self image - my favourite type), potential public humiliation of the author.

So the verdict is: pretty entertaining all round. Not from the point of view of the writer though. They're in a cuckoolicious world of their own weirdness. The bunny has been boiled, served up, eaten and digested by now. And has remerged as fanfic. But when has that type of thing not been a source of boundless joy to Lumatorium readers?

To find good examples of bad fanfic you no longer need to enter potentially incriminating words into a search engine - because someone has rounded up the worst for you already!

Discover: http://www.godawful.net

Happy 30th Entry Lumatorium!

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Meet Joe Mac

Aug. 22nd, 2005 | 05:03 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Remember the late eighties sensation that was the New Kids On The Block ? or NKOTB for the initiates. Yes, I'd be willing to bet that most people remember them. Ok...now what about little Joey Mcintyre, anyone remember him? Ah, I can see a significant proportion of hands come down. Well don't worry, you're not out of touch, he hasn't just won a Nobel Prize. And nor is he ever likely to, judging by his website.

Because, YES! There's a website!


So what is the former 'youngest member of the New Kids on The Block' doing with his life now? Well he's still singing, dancing and guess what? Acting. How original. In between his hectic schedule of dumping record companies ('who don't promote his work enough'), performing in stage theatres ("for the fans") he still finds time to update the pretentious megalomaniacal piece of crap that is his website.

Amusingly the entire site, including the several page long biography makes no mention at all of his time with the phenomenally successful boy band New Kids on The Block, easily the highlight of his career and the strength on which he still gets offered recording contracts and parts in off-off-off broadway shows. Maybe he's just being humble. Then again, maybe he's just full of himself and considers his work with the band an unmentionable smudge on his talent.

I found one example of something that might possibly be linked to the New Kids on the Block. One page from the website that was down for maintenance was labeled "This page is closed temporarily. Hang tough". I'm no New Kids on The Block veteran but I sense in this perhaps a veiled reference to the new Kids on The Block debut hit "hangin' tough". But you'll grant me that it's subtle and he's obviously not flying the flag for his band anymore.

The best thing about this site, aside from the hysterically kitsch picture of him singing (on every page), AND the cringingly badly written text (on every page) obviously written by him since no-one with an ounce of sense could think up such drivel, is the voice recordings. Hear little Joey relentlessly try to sound 'cool' with the tired vocabulary of a 1960's crooner. We now, 15 years later, finally know why he was always promoted as this little kid ('little joey') who had somehow 'gotten lucky' and fallen in with the band. Because he's an idiot. And he wasn't that young when he was in the band. Macaulay Culkin was much younger and he never sounded like an idiot in his interviews. But we at Lumatorium are most thankful, not for Joey's stupidity (which believe me is no laughing matter) but for the fact that someone (presumably his agent) has allowed him to pen the content of his website, no doubt because he was 'so eager to do it, aww bless him'. What his agent has done is frankly criminal. However it earns Joey Macintyre and his website a proud place amongst Lumatorium's finest. He walks among giants now.

Some of the drivel (note: these are direct quotes, and as such the spelling mistakes have remained intact, like the gems that they are):

"Action! as in what the director says when its time to act. Get it?"

No. Please explain again.

"This of course is the real deal. Unless of course someone high-jacked my web site and manipulated my voice to say things that are not true. This of course would be very uncool and would trigger a massive world wide man (or woman) hunt, resulting in the capture of this pathetic young (or old) person. However, no one in his (or her) right mind would do such a thing. I mean who would even THINK of something like that?"

Well you wouldn't for a start (or beginning).

As for the voice recordings, I urgently recommend that you discover them for yourself. I could not do them justice.

Find them on the inventively titled page: "Horses mouth"


Horse's shit, more like.

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Wax on, wax off. repeat.

Aug. 19th, 2005 | 05:00 am
mood: giddygiddy
music: Battle Without Honor or Humanity - Tomoyasu Hotei
posted by: scottiedog in lumatorium


A obsessive compulsive's way of relaxing?

Hey, I'm not mocking it. I know many people who like it. I recently saw Rainsinger with her nose and a pen obscured by a sudoku cover. Every major newspaper has their swing on it today. I've seen 'SUNdoku', 'supasudoku', 'samurai sudoku' and one that made me titter was 'shitedoku' where you have to place the very letters in it's title into the 9x9 boxes, columns and rows.

Carol Vorderman has a book on how to solve them (she was a 'mathematician' before a detox expert, honest). The totally respectable Teach Yourself series (I bow before thee), has a how-to on it. Everytime I walk into Border's, there's a colourful pick 'n' mix sudoku section just tempting me, on a colossal centre pillar for all to see. No other puzzle book boasts itself in this manner. It draws you in with it's trendy, yet authentic japanese name, and its 'look at me, I'm so simple and fun, you could take me in a fight, anyday' exterior.

OK, OK, I do like them.
It's not that I think they're especially difficult, I just question myself half-way through doing a medium or hard level puzzle. I do an easy one and think 'ha, not bothering with that level again', and skip thought to the middle of the book. I move on to a more difficult one. My current booklet ('cause they're always small), has clocks beside each puzzle to show you its difficulty. The clocks however, are really quite literal. It's not the strain on brain power that gets me, like it would in chess, its the minutes and minutes you spend checking every line, column and square when you get stumped.

I guess I am a novice, having only done my first sudoku about a month ago. And no, I don't have a polaroid of me holding up the completed page next to my face smiling - that would be silly.

I know there are ways and methods to get the solutions quicker. I was 'studying' a sudoku today whilst a bath was running (mine), and was stumped. Then I remembered a strategy I saw whilst flicking through 'Teach Yourself Sudoku' just last week. "X-wing? Yes X-wing! Like a sci-fi spaceship!" "How was that? So you have a rectangle of empty squares and then, erm, the same number has to fill two of these spaces, erm and if there's no more 2's in this column, I.." WHAT? This is when I stop and think of real existence again. Why do I care about putting every number in this grid? Why have I spent a good half hour scribbling on this page just to have it filled in - for nothing!!! See how this cruel puzzle grips you? I don't want to be obsessive or compulsive, but this grid is forcing me to check every black line and white space again and again and again.

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Aug. 17th, 2005 | 04:06 am
mood: nostalgicnostalgic
music: 90's!
posted by: scottiedog in lumatorium

Cast your mind back about ten years (if you can).

Remember Björk frolicking about on the back of some trailer, being sensual?
One or few hit wonders like Corona, Haddaway and Bizarre Inc. continuously being played on the radio.
And one of my favourites - livin' joy's 'Dreamer' (still got the album with the 2nd, lesser version).
Come and look at these rankings and slip back in time like I did.

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Spreading Some Sunshine

Jul. 25th, 2005 | 12:47 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Well I realise that I have neglected Lumatorium a little recently, but in my defense I have been rebelling against the vile mediocrity and cynicism that proliferate on the internet by creating a site that is pure of heart.

Yes you heard me correctly. It is a site that does good.

It shows you how to TEACH.

Maybe I am becoming sentimental in my old age, or maybe I have been adversely affected by the tragic events in the latest Harry Potter installment (pure horror I tell you), but I have created a web site that is designed to help parents, siblings, tutors etc.. give educational support to children and teenagers.

So if you know someone who might benefit from this site, find it useful or interesting, I recommend that you send them a link to this fun, fast and free site :


It's also listed on Google under "teach it yourself".

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May. 3rd, 2005 | 03:52 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

The most unbelievable thing has happened.
Someone else has spotted Vitki and has opened up both a webpage and a community in his honour.

Comrades,the movement is growing. We are considering holding a Vitki conference in Seattle, Washington (home of the Vitki) at the end of June. I'll be available to take advance bookings as of next week. I'm considering making the conference free for the under-fives, please e-mail to tell me whether you think this is a good idea.

But wait, there's more. The people behind this new Vitki fest are no friends of his.
they posted an illuminating introduction to the man here:

(beware this page contains one piece of indecent material)

It is also fascinating to discover that in certain circles Vitki is referred to as 'Shitki' or 'Special Ed Fred'.

This appears to have irked Vitki somewhat as demonstrated by the following conversation in which he threatens legal action from a dubious standpoint...


In fact the entire entry is an absolute lynching of Vitki by the two creators of game_of_death.


The final Cri De Guerre came in the form of this very community which the creators eventually admit is designed to push Vitki over the edge and urge him to top himself.

"I am neither in a state where I want him to kill himself or not. But I do believe that many people would be better off without his presence"


There are many more pages provided by the entertaining creator in which she pastiches songs, rewriting Flashdance's 'Maniac' on a theme of Vitki. She even goes to the effort of pasting Vitki's face onto that of Jennifer Beals from the movie's poster. She has done a thorough investigation into Vitki's work and habits. Her community rounds up all the classic Vitki titbits and quotes and she throws in a few insights of her own. There's just too much good stuff for me to list here and we are truly indebted to her.


I also really must extend my admiration towards Rainsinger for her oracular feat of anticipating this trend. The Vitki/Mediyogi/Sandalfon thing is a real golden goose. Everytime we think it's winding down and time to find something new - the whole thing just goes up a gear in weirdness. Simply brilliant.

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vitki in sense and reason shocker

Apr. 21st, 2005 | 02:15 am
posted by: rainsinger in lumatorium

Oh, I am so totally hooked onto sandalfon that her continuing saga is better than television.

Juanita handily summaries things people have been talking about here and Fred chimes in with actual thoughts that seem strung in the right order and do not appear to be cut and pasted from anywhere.

For more of Juanita's hysterical smear campaign against any women [yeah, funny pattern that involving no projections whatsoever i'm sure] Fred appears to have been involved, check out these priceless writings:

Probably one of the most hilarious aspects of this for me [and let's face it, there are so many to choose from] is that psychologically speaking all the things she is saying are completely contrary to what she seems to want to accomplish [drive Fred and Carolanne apart].
And the prose is worth a Booker nomination for the amusement value alone:

"Why is it that even Fred, would purposely attack and hurt the abused victim through blind-sight rather than compromise his love nest relationship??"
it's marvellous. :)
all the trainwreck-value of Elizabeth Wurtzel but a ton more entertainment.

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"how can one know the difference if they know it not? "

Apr. 12th, 2005 | 02:27 pm
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

Disappointingly, Sandalfon seems to have been winding down on the weirdness lately (too busy reuniting with her grandson whom she had sent to a juvenile detention centre no doubt). But as they say, 'when the student is ready, the teacher will appear", and as I cruise through the livejournals of her mates I begin to think that maybe Sandalfon has simply been preparing us for someone else.


Those of you who have been following the Sandalfon Daily Soap Opera will of course know exactly who Vitki is. Also known as Fred he is the man at the centre of the famed Sandalfon/Mediyogi/Vitki love triangle.
The New Age, pseudo-intellectual, sexist twit with a fixation with the occult and the misconceived far-reaches of his own intelligence. As far as I can tell, the only side to him that is not extremely limited is his pretentiousness.

Vitki has a lot to say this week on penis size, how, in his opinion, the Inquisition exterminated all the men with large penises and how (perhaps as a result of this?)the average male penis size is in fact less than what the 'accepted' statistics show. He obviously has some reason for undertaking all this research, but chooses not to tell us.
Thankfully, though, Mediyogi is on hand to reassure his ego, "Your length is perfect, and your Girth is....oh boy.:)"

Pass the sick bucket.

Amusingly, he also seems to be suffering from 'Javascriptitus' (a compulsive overuse of Javascript)possibly due to the adoration he gets for it from the two females in the love triangle, "oh, you're so good at this!", "so smart!". Even more lines which would make the average Porn film director blush with embarrassment.

But I reckon that, this week, he deserves a place alone in the spotlight.


Don't forget to check the comments sections for more phallocentric quotes from his adoring groupies.

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The funniest thing since sandalfon's latest crisis

Apr. 11th, 2005 | 09:47 pm
posted by: rainsinger in lumatorium

I think I've found my cult! check out the excellent article by Jon Carrol


I think it's the first time I've found truly fantastic art, my only qualm is that I didn't think of it first. I love it.

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Sister Spikey Mace of Courteous Debate.

Get yours.

Hear me roar!

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NEWSFLASH ! Sandalfon reckons her life would make "a great script for a TV show"

Mar. 30th, 2005 | 02:14 am
posted by: nanji in lumatorium

To be specific, she reckons that "life in her (appartment) complex" is so strange that it would make for entertaining viewing. I'd say try looking even closer to home.

But for more information on what Sandalfon herself considers to be bizarre, try this :


I understand she is currently looking for budding authors to take up her story.

Please form an orderly queue.

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